It’s a bit strange to go back and read the first few posts that I made at the beginning of the year and the beginning of my course. I’d like to think that little things like my writing style and voice have improved over the course of this time.
One thing that I’m certain of is that everything else has changed completely. The world that we had when I made my first post in January is not the same world that I’m living in now just a few short months later.
What me and many others first brushed off as a panic created by the media turned out to be something of real concern that has changed everyone’s lives completely. I don’t know what the future holds and as of now things seem very uncertain.
As for my communicating science course, I learned so much about the importance of relaying facts and the many modes which we can do so. Whether it’s on a formal paper or in a blog such as this. Now more than ever I think we all know how vital it is to have accurate information and make decisions based on facts, rather than opinions. I’ve learned how to make videos and work in groups even during a crisis such as this. I’ve gained skills that will be with me for a long time and I know that if we made it through this, then it just makes us that much stronger in the end.
Social distancing has presented many challenges to everyone’s lives. In completing a recent group project, those challenges were very apparent. The group project consisted on making a video together, which was very challenging not only because we couldn’t physically meet up, but also because many of the shots we had planned to film had to be accomplished in a different way due to the lock-down in the country.
Making plans to have a video chat together to discuss the process also proved difficult and we were never able to accomplish that so we ended up coming up with our pieces of the video separately and editing them together so that they could appear seamless as possible. It was also difficult trying to help each other with technical aspects while not being together. One of the group members had a lot of difficulty with their portion of the video and when it was sent to me pieces of audio were missing or out of sync and as much as I tried to edit it to make sense, I couldn’t. I ended up having to have her re-record her audio and I pieced the audio together over stock footage. While I didn’t mind helping, it was just frustrating as it could have been much easier to accomplish together if we could have physically been together to work on this.
Working together with others can always have complications, but I believe that considering the circumstances our video actually came together very well. I enjoyed the project despite the challenges we faced and I felt like I learned a lot about video editing and how to make a good video with others.
If I were to be presented with a similar group project in the future, I would probably insist on better communication as I thought it would have been appropriate for us to have at least one video chat together. But because of the stressful situation that is ongoing, I can’t be too critical as we are dealing with something we could have never predicted.
Every day seems to get harder and come with its own new set of challenges. My mom, who lives 4,000+ miles away in Florida, passed out yesterday. Although she hasn’t left the house in two weeks, she hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had a low grade fever of “100 point something”, according to my younger sister and has been feeling very achy.
Because I’m pregnant, she told my sister to swear not to tell me about what happened because she doesn’t want me to worry. Of course my sister did tell me and after thinking and crying by myself for a few hours, I called my mom.
I ended up getting her to tell me what happened herself and I told her she needed to call the doctor. My mom is a very spiritual and homeopathic medicine preferring woman and trying to tell her that she can’t rely on her essential oils as a form of medical care can be difficult. Thankfully, she did call up the doctor and like many others she got told the same thing. That she should monitor her symptoms, especially her temperature, and that if she feels that she needs to be tested for COVID-19 that it may be difficult as testing in the US is limited at the moment.
As far as I know, she is doing better. But this whole situation is becoming too much. My dad passed away when I was 21 and my mom is the only parent I have left and I can’t even imagine what life would be like without her. I don’t want to imagine that, but that’s all I could do yesterday.
It’s hard feeling so helpless in this pandemic. As a microbiologist, I felt that I had a bit more knowledge on what’s going on in the beginning. And to an extent, I do. I know what a virus is and I know the components that make up a virus. I understand the biology of a viral infection and the epidemiology in how it spreads. But the truth is, I feel helpless and useless. The reason I picked this field was because I understood the vitality of our relationship with microorganisms and I wanted to be a part of something bigger to help the greater good. But right now, as a student in a new country where I’m not licensed to work yet because of the bureaucratic nonsense that is the IBMS and HCPC, I feel completely useless.
This post doesn’t even have a point anymore, I’m just scared and caught up in my emotions. But it’s hard not to be right now. It’s all hitting a little too close to home for me now.
“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”
– Tom Bodett
I don’t even know how to muster up the energy or motivation for my coursework these last few weeks. I’ve been transparent about my mental health in my posts and the fact that I have panic disorder and severe anxiety. Lately I feel like my anxiety has been in overdrive due to this pandemic and it has been sucking the energy out of me. I don’t do much in self isolation besides think and somehow, I’m still left exhausted at the end of the day.
I feel like I’ve been brought down so much by these current events. I haven’t been back to Florida, where I’m from, since I moved to the UK in June of 2019. In January when my husband and I found out I was pregnant we knew that we had to book our flight for as soon as I was finished with my spring semester of university. And so I currently still have my flight booked for this Saturday. A flight that still has yet to be cancelled by the airline, but nonetheless one that I know I won’t be on. And so my first baby shower for next week is also cancelled. All the little things that I’ve been so hopeful and excited for in my times of stress and anxiety and loneliness in this country are all out of sight now. I won’t be able to fly back home until our baby is 6 months old, which won’t be until April 2021. The anxiety of my upcoming birth overwhelms me as I think of the possibility of this situation continuing on. I won’t be able to attend any birth or breastfeeding classes and so I’m left feeling even more unprepared as a first time mom. So many things taken from all of us so quickly. Life as we know it has changed dramatically.
And yet, I still consider myself one of the lucky ones. While many of us have to cope with the consequences of disruption to our daily life or the effects on our mental health, there are still so many who are in hospitals fighting for their lives. I’ve seen footage of refrigerated trucks being kept on the street outside of hospitals in New York that are lined with bodies in bags. People have lost their loved ones, without being able to say goodbye, without being able to have a funeral service. Just like that.
And so while I have my own issues that sometimes seem so large to me, I’m quickly humbled when I’m reminded of the reality of the situation.
I keep holding on to hope. The hope that even though this tunnel seems long and dark, that eventually there is an end to it and somewhere there’s a light, even if we can’t see it yet. This won’t be forever. Someday we will meet again. Someday we will be able to hug and kiss and touch our loved ones whom we may be separated from at the moment.
Almost one month in to being isolated with no end in sight makes it hard to hold on to that hope some days, but I feel I have to. Because if we don’t, then what else would we have to look forward to?
I really don’t understand people who defend the fact that governments, such as in the US, weren’t better prepared for a situation like this. Although, I would say that the world in general wasn’t prepared, I’m going to single out the US specifically in this case.
I’ve seen tons of people say that it would be senseless to put tons of funding to prepare for a situation that may or may not happen. And yet the US ranks number one in military expenditures having spent $649 billion in 2018 and an intention to spend $934 billion for 2020 (https://www.whitehouse.gov/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/budget_fy21.pdf).
I’m not sure how many of you are aware of the threat of bioterrorism, but that threat is very very real and has the potential to be severely more detrimental than chemical or nuclear warfare in terms of mass casualties and societal disruption (which you’re all currently experiencing).
Although the ongoing pandemic did not happen deliberately, as far as we know, there could be an event in the future that is deliberate and much uglier than what is happening right now.
I’m just going to give you a brief description on some Category A organisms that the CDC has listed as high priority bioterrorism agents.
Yersinia pestis, the bacteria that causes plague and still causes infections and would be easily available, if aerosolised could spread quite easily through the population and cause Pneumonic plague (when the bacteria infects the lungs), which without treatment has a nearly 100% mortality rate.
Bacillus anthracis, which is naturally occurring in the soil, causes anthrax and has been weaponised in the past and could easily be done again. And if this was spread in the air it could cause inhalation anthrax (once again, when the bacteria infects the lungs), which again has a very high mortality rate of over 80%.
And god forbid, should any country that may still have illegal stockpiles of smallpox virus decide to weaponise that and use it for an attack, not only would we have to worry about the initial impact of the global population becoming infected and possibly succumbing to this disease. But we would also have to deal with the fact that we have a re-emerging disease that the world worked hard to eradicate through vigorous vaccination programs just over 40 years ago. Many people don’t have immunity to smallpox since we stopped vaccinating in 1980 and even anyone who was vaccinated only had immunity for 10 years. So only certain military personnel would have immunity and the rest of the population is susceptible to contracting a nasty and highly contagious virus. 30% of the entire worlds population would probably become infected (2.34 billion people) and 30% of those people would die (that’s still just under one billion people).
So if you think having better risk assessment and funding towards infectious diseases is silly, frivolous and unnecessary then I challenge you and ask you this: how can you justify hundreds of billions of dollars going towards being prepared for other types of warfare and then be so incredibly unprepared for biological warfare? I’m not saying this pandemic was an act of bioterrorism at all, but whether intentional or not, the end results are the same and we must prepare for that.
On topic with this past lecture subject is the internet. Particularly, how we use it, where we get our information, and the credibility of those sources. Now more than ever, we have access to all the information in the world and can easily find both accurate and inaccurate answers. I think this is something that has become so apparent to me lately.
Watching friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers posting very false information about this ongoing pandemic had been very disheartening to me. I don’t have the time or energy to go through and try to educate every single person I see posting misinformation online and honestly, what good would that do anyway? Facebook has made it so easy for groups, such as the antivaxx movement, to spread lies and mistrust in science. It’s incredible to me how a combination of fear and ignorance can make people so susceptible to believing everything that they come across online. Especially when it’s something that fits in to the narrative that they rather believe.
So what can we do about this? Well honestly, all I can hope to do is share reliable data and facts with sources and hope that’s enough to inform even a small amount of people. But it can seem hopeless and like you’re screaming into a void with no avail because there’s just so many platforms, with so many users, all shouting their own opinions too.
“No one can live entirely on their own, nor can any country or society exist in isolation.”
-Daisaku Ikeda
The quote above rings true and I’m sure of people haven’t felt it yet, they will within the weeks to come.
Classes have been moved virtually, the whole of the country is on lockdown with no one able to go out unless completely necessary. As an introvert, I feel quite happy to stay home and enjoy my time on my own or with my husband when he gets home from work. Since I’m pregnant, it’s given me the opportunity to “nest” and I have to say, or flat has never been more tidy.
But what effects does a pandemic have on a society? The economy has/is/and will see damage, going to the shops is unsettling as you watch people turn on the survival mode part of their brain, and those at home will slowly start to be affected by the isolation.
As social animals, the impact of isolating has a significant effect on our overall wellbeing. Although I said I am an introvert, it doesn’t mean that seeing this doesn’t have an effect on me. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not originally from the U.K. and being away from family and friends at a time like this has been unbelievably hard. My husband and I even had a flight to Florida to visit my family in April before I became too heavily pregnant and couldn’t fly anymore. Although it looks like that is no longer an option. I haven’t been home since last summer and having the only opportunity to go home be taken away from me in this way has shaken me. I don’t know when I will go home again now, I imagine since I have research this summer, followed by the birth of a baby in September, the earliest wouldn’t be until 2021.
And with all of these thoughts rushing through my head I have to keep up with assessments. Which at this point just seems silly, but life must go on.
All of my assessments for the rest of the semester have been changed to suit this new lifestyle that we will all have to have for the next 3 weeks, minimum. But what happens after? It’s surreal to me, as someone who is working on her masters in microbiology, to watch a pandemic like this unfold in my lifetime. I’m equally fascinated and horrified to see the ignorant responses from the general public as well as public officials.
But only time will tell.
And I guess now this blog has become my own little isolation diary.
I know everyone is feeling a lot of anxieties with everything going on right now. I know I am. I worry for my family, my friends, and the little thing growing inside me. And maybe there’s some people who don’t feel anything or care and that’s fine too, I’m not here to police your feelings.
Everything here (UK) seems to have escalated very quickly in the last week. I imagine it’s only a matter of time until more testing becomes available and reported cases will rise very suddenly. And I imagine that soon more cities and/or countries may have a lock down similar to what others, like Italy and France, have done so that hospitals don’t get overrun.
It’s all very surreal and most of us have never really lived through anything remotely like this before. But you must try to remain calm and keep your wits about you. I’m not trying to shame people who are panicking or hoarding, I understand what anxiety does to you and there really is no point in trying to shame how people cope with stressful situations. I’m not here to do that.
But what is helpful and what can you, as an individual, do?
If cases haven’t been officially reported where you live, assume that there are people infected in your area because I guarantee you there are, and take the proper precautions if and when you go out.
Keep using proper sanitation (hand washing, covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough, don’t put your fingers in your mouth, keep your hands off your face, etc)
Try not to go out unnecessarily if you can help it so we can contain the spread and stop sharing misinformation online and spreading fear and panic to your loved ones.
Please stick to reliable resources like the CDC or WHO. Even news articles from what you make think are reliable sources can contain tons of misinformation. Take it from a science nerd who studies this stuff, a lot of what I’ve seen being shared right now is complete and utter garbage.
Find a way to relax. Watch a good movie, laugh, call your friends, write, take a bath and meditate, whatever. You can only expose yourself to the news so much before it starts to take a toll on your mind. Take care of your physical health and your mental health because they are equally important.
Also I just want to give a major shout out to healthcare and emergency service workers right now. Literally everyone, not just those in the lab, or doctors and nurses, but everyone who keeps the hospitals running. When all the bars and restaurants shut, if or when they close grocery stores, the hospitals and emergency services will still keep on going. I wish I was there in the lab working right now with all my fellow medical technologists.
I think that’s all I have to say. Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to one another.
“It’s difficult to really like a film that you didn’t like making”
Tuesday Weld
Last week we tried our hand in film making and editing. It really is so interesting how the smallest things can really elevate your videos. Whether that’s how shots are filmed, angles, colour schemes, background music, etc.
We only had about an hour to come up with a plan and script, get our film, and edit it. One hour for a one minute video may seem like overkill, but when you’re a first timer it seems like an impossibility.
I was responsible for the filming and editing and I have to say, while I do wish I would have gotten more creative with ways of filming, I am very impressed with how it all came together.
Our topic was assigned to us, we had to make a one minute video all about Tuesdays. I honestly can’t believe we found enough silly things to talk about, but some how we managed. However, this activity gave me confidence in our future vlog project, which I think we should be able to accomplish very well.
If you have a minute to listen about Tuesdays, feel free to check out our video below!
“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
Jodi Picoult
I like to be pretty upfront about mental health, especially as I know that what I suffer from is actually quite common and can be frightening if you don’t understand what’s going on.
I have generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. This basically means that my mind is going a million miles a minute frequently and that I also have panic attacks pretty regularly. I was first diagnosed when I was 12 years old after my first panic attack brought me into the emergency room. I remember being in church with my family on Mother’s Day and fidgeting in my seat. I was sweating, breathing quickly, I felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest and that I would be sick all over the row seated in front of me. I squeezed my mom’s hand for comfort to try and calm down because I had no idea what was happening to me. I remember her trying to tell me to settle down, I was always a restless kid and I’m sure she just thought I was bored. I wrote down in my notebook that I always had with me ‘something is wrong, I want to go home.’ My mom knew I hated going to church and so I was surprised when she believed me and got me and my sister up in the middle of the service to head home.
I jumped in the shower and put the water on as hot as it could. I need a distraction, even if it was the burning of my own skin. I still felt off when I got out. My mom tried making me eat, which only made me gag. So she took me to the hospital where my panic attack continued for the next hour. The doctors finally told us what was happening and asked if I knew what anxiety was.
I didn’t, but I sure do now.
That was 15 years ago. A decade and a half later and I still feel like I have very little control of my own body.
The good news is that I’m trying to figure it out and while there’s no cure, I feel like the more you understand something then the less scary it is. That’s why I wanted to write this post. Just to reflect on the why and how of anxiety, panic and phobias.
I had a CBT session today and we discussed the science of panic attacks. It’s actually very interesting and makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Evolutionary speaking, anxiety is a response we have that is meant to keep us alive. It’s all controlled by a part of our brain called the amygdala. These small almond shaped structures are part of our limbic system and are responsible for things like memory and emotional-responses. It’s actually very interesting, did you know that some studies have found that children who have anxiety disorders also usually have a smaller left amygdala? Apparently it’s also been shown that antidepressants, such asselective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), can actually affect the size of the amygdala.
Panic attacks, phobias, and different forms of anxiety can all thank the amygdala for just wanting to keep us alive. It’s interesting to know that the reason it makes us feel things like increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, chest pains (all similar symptoms of a heart attack by the way) is actually just supposed to help us, which is interesting because almost every time I have a panic attack I feel 100% certain that I’m about to die.
My poor primitive amygdala, I don’t mean to place all this blame for my personal misery on you. But oh how I wish you could just calm down and let me feel normal, whatever that is.
So what can you do? Well, breathing is actually extremely helpful. And it’s got the science to back it up! Did you know that the reason it’s recommended to take deep breaths in and out to calm you down is because it mimics what you body does when you’re getting ready to sleep? How cool is that? You can actually trick your body to relax. So take that you silly amygdala, I know you’re just trying to help, but having a panic attack while I’m driving in traffic actually isn’t that helpful. Believe it or not.
Here’s a link to a great TED Talk that I enjoyed. It’s in several parts, but it’s absolutely worth the watch. Especially if you’ve ever experienced even a moment of panic, which of course we all have!
If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, or being frozen by fear due to a phobia, or just felt some type of anxiety, I truly do hope that my rambling and suggestions have helped even a little bit. I know it’s no fun and can feel like your life has been taken over my something sometimes.
No Rest for the Scientists 